Blended Family

Blended Family:  (marrying a man with children)

Q: I am 34 years old, not married yet, and met someone that already has children. We are in love, we are learning to know each other and want also to get married if everything is okay between us.  He loves his children very much. I am looking for some information on how to deal with this kind of situation.  If you have any please send to me.

A: Dear  ________,

Thank you for visiting _____. My name is ________ and I serve as an online mentor for this web site.

________, I thank the Lord that you have reached out for prayer and insight because your quest shows that you take very seriously the wedding vows that you are considering and also you possess a deep respect for the man you love and his relationship to his children.

Contemplating marital union before God with a man with children from a previous marriage is challenging and requires humility, reliance upon a strength and power that is greater than yourself, and lots of unselfish love.

When I was 28 (and never before married), I married a man with three children from a marriage that ended in divorce. Unlike you, I just wandered into this marriage without considering the consequences and ramifications of the marriage. Very fortunately for me, the Lord was good and merciful to my husband and I, and over time, drew us to Himself and taught us that we must stand together and also consider the well-being of each child as he/she grew up. We needed to view each child as an individual with specific needs but above all pray for them that they too would meet Christ and so be part of his family regardless of where they went and who they married.

Among the things that I learned as a young stepmother was to accept my new children as they were, just as Christ accepts us as we are, and not to expect that I was going to suddenly be ‘Mom’ to them or that they were necessarily going to listen to me. My husband, and yours, will have much more influence over the children because he is their birth father. Over time, they will come to love you and respect you but you will earn that love, not by ‘giving them anything they want’ or buying their love but instead by seeking Christ first in your life and thereby reflecting His love, gentleness, strength of character and firmness on those issues which are important to you and important to the raising of Godly children. There is no question that there will be times when you and your husband will need ‘time alone’ to talk issues out, negotiate what is important, and make decisions that are in the best interest of the entire family including yourself. However, be aware going in that you will more than any other individual in the family, be called upon to ‘give’, to make sacrifices because you are the newcomer to the family and ________, every man with children wants and needs a good wife for his children, somebody who is a helpmate in caring and growing the children. We step-parents must take care and understand that only with the help of the Lord can we see that process through without falling to the temptation of bitterness, or feeling that somehow we have been used! Again, it is keeping our sights set on Jesus and learning His Word in scripture that will strengthen you on a day-to-day basis and give you the guidance and counsel that you need to survive and thrive as mother and wife.

Dear Lord,

I pray that you will draw (_____) unto yourself, that you will cause her to consider this marriage and her commitment to this man and his children. Lord, according to your will, open a door so that (_____) and her fiancé can receive pre-marital counseling from a man of God who has the maturity to accept their love yet counsel them in the realities of marriage under your authority. Lord, please bring (_____) back to me so that we can continue to explore this journey in faith and Lord, bless her abundantly for her desire to please you and love this family.  In the name of Jesus, Amen

I hope to hear from you again.

Your friend,

Mentor’s name

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